y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
