Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My dick has a subreddit
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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