i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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