Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
