I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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