By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
