I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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