Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
