I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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