My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Randomize
