i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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