1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
