Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
