Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
