Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
