I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
