You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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