since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize