The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
