Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
