I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
