so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
