I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dignity is for republicans.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
