I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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