when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
