I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
