Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
