I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
