i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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