Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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