he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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