That's intense
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
