why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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