apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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