I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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