I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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