its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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