at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
