Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
