dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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