Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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