I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
