I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
