Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
