the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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