Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
