whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
