So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
