If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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