There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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