Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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