Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
