My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
