if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
