I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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