Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize