She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You pole danced in your parka.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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