I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize