Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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