I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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