Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
