Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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